Yes, It's official. Those of you who know me well know it already. But somehow posting it on a blog that will never be seen by more than 5 or 6 people makes it official. I'm a loser!
Yes, I've lost 40 pounds since June. This is more than my goal, but fine by me. I recommend Weight Watchers with the following caveat: You have to be willing to give yourself to a system, knowing that you can't lose weight by yourself. The name of the group says it all: watch your weight. Our society just doesn't facilitate this process for you. If I was good at watching my own weight, then I wouldn't have been wearing size 40 pants! Weight Watchers helps you in the process. Weekly meetings with group support. Knowing that I had to step on a scale in a few days helped me make better decisions many, many times. And even paying for it shows commitment too. As long as I was paying for this, I knew I wanted to make it work. So I gave up trying to save myself and made myself vulnerable to getting and receiving help from others. This is why losing weight can be similar in method to religious spiritual formation. Lose yourself, become a loser, and then go celebrate by buying new clothes!
For me, overeating is a way of not trusting the future. When I overeat, I begin thinking about the next meal right after I finish the last meal. This is a way of saying, "I can't make it in life unless I know what I'm going to eat next, where it's coming from, and when I can start eating." Overeating for me is also a way of trying to recreate the past. If I eat too much, my stomach feels a certain way, and this gives me a certain feeling that I used to have, somewhere back in my early life. This is a way of saying, "I'm not happy with where I am, so I'm going to eat so that I will feel the way that I used to feel."
Now, I am learning a new way of approaching food and life. If I eat this, I will get the energy that I need to function. Then, somewhere along the way, I'll get hungry again and then I will eat. When that happens, I'll handle it. I can trust myself to eat good now, because I trust the future.
I will always struggle with this. This is not something that goes away with smaller clothes. But for now, I'm willing to trust the process.
Yippee, I'm a LOSER!
David
